Lights up on a living room in disarray. Board games, textbooks, dishes, boxes of Christmas decorations, and various snack foods are scattered on coffee tables and the floor. LIZZIE and SAM, both on their laptops, sit on the couch. MOLLY sits on the floor, strumming a guitar softly.
LIZZIE
(offhandedly)
Would you break up with Nate if he chopped off your dog’s head on purpose?
MOLLY
(equally offhandedly)
Probably not.
(pause)
LIZZIE
Would you break up with Nate if he had shoelaces for hair?
MOLLY
Probably.
SAM
Priorities.
LIZZIE
My organic chem professor is the devil.
SAM
Also, Molly, you were talking in your sleep again last night. I couldn’t tell if you were laughing or moaning.
MOLLY
Weird. And that’s a pretty serious accusation, Liz.
LIZZIE
(closing laptop)
Screw this crap. Boggle?
MOLLY
As per usual.
SAM
I’m going grocery shopping within the next 7-9 minutes.
MOLLY
(setting up to play Boggle)
Will you buy more milk?
SAM
Yes. No. I won’t be back until late tonight and I don’t want it to spoil in the car.
LIZZIE
Wow, Sam. So selfish.
SAM
As per usual.
AMELIA enters.
LIZZIE
Speak of the devil. Aside from Professor Matthews.
AMELIA
(smiling, bashful)
Ok, so…
MOLLY
Let us guess the Latin lover of the week.
LIZZIE
Juan!
MOLLY
Alejandro!
LIZZIE
Raul!
MOLLY
Javier!
AMELIA
Marco, actually.
MOLLY
My next guess.
LIZZIE
Is he the one who won’t shut up about his pet chinchilla or the one with the profile picture featuring various cans of beer and scantily clad co-eds?
AMELIA
Neither. He’s Roberto’s roommate. He just walked up to me after class and we started talking about how cold it is and how much we both like doing laundry, and then he asked if I wanted to get “delicious hot beverages” sometime. He speaks English pretty well.
SAM
Phewf. That’s a relief.
LIZZIE
Step up from chinchilla boy.
AMELIA
Then he sort of followed me home.
SAM, MOLLY, LIZZIE
WHAT?
AMELIA
I know he lives in one of the apartments down Caroline Avenue but he said he was going this way and followed me all the way to the front door.
SAM
What an appealing array of suitors you have, Amelia Harrison.
KATE enters from another room in the apartment reading a book.
MOLLY
So when will these “delicious hot beverages” be consumed, pray tell? Provided he doesn’t climb through the window tonight and axe you in your sleep.
KATE
Who’s murdering Amelia?
LIZZIE
One guess.
KATE
Julio?
SAM
So close.
AMELIA
Tomorrow afternoon. But here’s the thing. Molly, you know the tall percussionist in jazz band?
MOLLY
Adam?
AMELIA
He’s caught my fancy lately.
SAM
He does acid.
LIZZIE
Ha!
AMELIA
Never mind, then.
MOLLY
That was last year. You never know. People change.
LIZZIE
(to Amelia)
If you date a boy who does acid, I’ll punch you in the face.
AMELIA
I suppose Marco’s back in the number one slot.
SAM
Ah, young love.
LIZZIE
(excited)
Let’s watch “The Sound of Music” tonight.
SAM
I refuse.
LIZZIE
Oh right. I forgot about your soulless vendetta against all fun ever.
SAM
I have nothing against fun. I have everything against three hours of “Do, a deer, a female deer.”
KATE
(singing)
“Ray, a drop of golden sun.
MOLLY
(singing)
“Me, a name I call myself.”
LIZZIE
(singing)
“Fa, a long, long way to run.”
SAM
This is the opposite of what I wanted to happen.
KATE, MOLLY, LIZZIE, AMELIA
(all singing in SAM’s face)
“Sol, a needle pulling thread. La, a note to follow so. Ti, a drink with jam and bread. That will bring us back to do, do, do, do.”
SAM
We just experienced all “The Sound of Music” magic we need. No call to watch the movie.
KATE, MOLLY, LIZZIE, AMELIA
(continue to hum the song softly, chuckling)
SAM
(closing laptop and gathering her things)
On second thought, pop that sucker in. I’m off to buy a bunch of food that will most likely give me heart disease in the distant future.
AMELIA
Will you buy more milk?
SAM
I’m currently experiencing some sort of déjà vu-esque sensation…
MOLLY
I’ll get milk tomorrow.
SAM
Be back late.
LIZZIE
Wait! 30-second roommate dance party before you go!
(pause, girls look at each other, then in almost perfect unison, break into a rendition of “Livin’ on a Prayer,” dancing around the room)
SAM
Got to go. Bye, all.
AMELIA
All this groovin’ is making me hungry.
AMELIA exits toward the kitchen.
KATE
So I just finished half of my paper—
LIZZIE
(singing)
“Oh, we’re half-way there!”
KATE
—on how children’s advertisements brainwash our youth and serve as the champagne bottle on the bow of the ship sailing into the wretched depths of consumerist culture.
MOLLY
Attacking the nostalgia of our childhoods again, eh, Kate?
LIZZIE
It doesn’t get much better than the 90s.
MOLLY
“Leggo my eggo!”
LIZZIE
(singing)
“Hungry, hungry hippos!”
MOLLY
(singing)
“Sock-Em Boppers! Sock-Em Boppers!”
LIZZIE
(singing)
“It’s more fun than a pillow fight!”
MOLLY, LIZZIE
(singing)
“Blow ‘em up, put your hand inside! Get ready to have the time of your life!”
KATE
I never noticed how inappropriate that jingle is.
AMELIA’s cell phone rings.
MOLLY
Amelia, someone’s calling you.
LIZZIE
Antonio!
MOLLY
Jorge!
LIZZIE
Miguel!
AMELIA jogs in, looking silly and carrying a floppy piece of sandwich meat.
AMELIA
(monotone voice, jokingly panicked)
Ahhhh! Where’s my phone?
KATE
What kind of meat is that?
AMELIA
I don’t know. It came in a variety pack. (Finds phone but missed the call already) Oh well.
AMELIA exits.
LIZZIE
Molly, come here.
MOLLY
That’s sufficiently sinister.
LIZZIE
Just do it.
KATE
Ugh. If you mention any more ad slogans, my brain might explode.
MOLLY crosses to LIZZIE who begins drawing something on her leg with a pen.
MOLLY
We need to decorate soon.
KATE
I can steal some more Christmas-y paraphernalia from my parent’s house.
MOLLY
Just a little spruce.
LIZZIE
Literally.
KATE
Ha. Ha.
MOLLY
We could cut some paper snowflakes, too. Did you ever do that when you were a kid?
KATE
I think everyone did that when they were a kid, dear.
AMELIA enters with a sandwich on a plate, plops down on couch.
MOLLY
(nostalgic)
Traditions are traditions for a reason, Kate. Something about snow. It just isn’t Christmas without snow.
LIZZIE
Especially large representations of snow made of paper.
MOLLY
Are you done yet?
LIZZIE
Just about.
AMELIA
I’m too exhausted to eat this sandwich. (Slumps down and closes her eyes)
KATE
(whining)
Do I have to go to work?
LIZZIE
Depends on how much you like having money in your pocket.
KATE
I do like that…
MOLLY
Then yes. You should probs go to work.
KATE
Probs?
MOLLY
I like to abbrev whenev pos.
KATE
You disgust me.
MOLLY
Whatevs, bff.
KATE gathers her things and puts on her coat.
LIZZIE
Finished.
MOLLY
(reading LIZZIE’s inscription)
You would write that on my leg.
KATE
What does it say?
MOLLY
“Put your hand inside, get ready to have the time of your life,” with an arrow pointing directly toward my vagina.
LIZZIE
You’re welcome.
KATE
Alright, I’m off. Enjoy not working, everyone.
MOLLY
Wait! 30-second roommate dance party before you go!
KATE
I’m currently experiencing some sort of déjà-vu-esque sensation.
(another pause, the girls look at each other, then break into a somewhat less perfectly unison rendition of “Dancing Queen,” giggling and dancing)
LIZZIE
(to KATE)
Go to work! Make money!
KATE
Will do. See you later.
KATE exits.
LIZZIE jumps on AMELIA who is still trying to sleep, sprawls out across her.
LIZZIE
(whispering)
Amelia. Are you sleeping?
AMELIA
(groggily)
Yes.
MOLLY
We could tape the snowflakes to the windows.
LIZZIE
(still whispering)
Are you sleeping now?
AMELIA
Yes.
MOLLY
And maybe some twinkle lights around the doorframes.
AMELIA
You’re crushing the organs I use to breathe, Lizzie.
LIZZIE
(climbing off AMELIA)
Breathing isn’t necessary.
AMELIA reaches for her sandwich.
MOLLY
We should watch a Christmas movie tonight, instead!
LIZZIE
Someone has a hefty dose of holiday cheer.
AMELIA
Guess who called me earlier?
LIZZIE
Fernando!
MOLLY
Enrique!
AMELIA
Chinchilla boy.
LIZZIE
Should have known.
MOLLY
Don’t you have a date with that what’s-his-face cheeseball this weekend?
AMELIA
Technically.
LIZZIE
One time, my brother ate an entire block of cheddar cheese and then diarrhea-ed all night long.
MOLLY
(singing)
“All night long!”
AMELIA
Lizzie, I’m eating.
LIZZIE
And this other time, he and his friends competed to see who could eat the most White Castle sliders in one sitting and when he came home, he stank up our whole house with his putrid farts.
AMELIA
(ignoring LIZZIE)
Ahhhh, I’m so stressed! I have so much to do and no motivation to do it.
LIZZIE
I’m planning on going to the library to study for my organic chem exam. Want to tag along?
AMELIA
If you promise not to talk about your brother’s putrid diarrhea.
LIZZIE
Cross my heart.
AMELIA
Now?
LIZZIE
You got it.
LIZZIE and AMELIA gather their things and coats, almost out the door.
MOLLY
Wait! 30-second roommate dance party before you go!
(pause, the girls look at each other, then break into a perfect rendition of “Don’t Stop Believin’” in 3-part harmony, dancing around the room)
LIZZIE
What would we do without overplayed, classic, karaoke tunes and our bad dance moves?
AMELIA
Something productive?
MOLLY
Productivity is overrated.
LIZZIE
Be back later, Molly.
AMELIA
Bye, friend.
MOLLY
Have fun, ladies.
LIZZIE and AMELIA exit.
(pause)
The room feels strange and empty. MOLLY looks around. She rummages through the Christmas decorations, picks up AMELIA’s plate and half-eaten sandwich, still looking around, somewhat sad and thoughtful now.
MOLLY
Well.
MOLLY exits, humming “Don’t Stop Believin.’”
Lights down.
No comments:
Post a Comment